When I got what I wanted, I didn't want it anymore.

I went to a place today where I once used to spend meaningful, thoughtless hour after hour with someone who meant a lot to me. It was nostalgic, it was strange. It made me think a lot and start to wonder, questions whose answers I will never know. What did it mean to you? Have you been back there since? Do you ever miss it? The place has been repainted and all of our favourite graffiti is gone. My personal favourite was "U calld urself a playa but i f*ked ur wyf." Isn't that poetic? I like the way that things have changed and I like the person I'm becoming, but I can't help my curiosity about the past. Memories are peaceful, confronting and beautiful things. But it doesn't do too well to live in them, so I won't dwell.

I have no homework this weekend, can you believe it? This is a weird feeling and I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm seeing my five favourite people tonight for a long overdue sleepover and I can't wait to bask in the glory and awesomeness that is my friends!

"Life is divine chaos. Embrace it."

Define;

I struggle with definitions. I find myself constantly asking what words mean. Even though I know what they mean. I just have to ask to make sure that your definition is the same as mine. I don't want things to become lost in translation.

So anyway, someone asked me to have faith today. And I didn't ask what it meant, so I'm looking it up. Here is the definition I found: Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person. That's difficult. The truth is, I don't have it. But I'm sure as hell going to look for it. I'm going to find you, Faith! Ready or not, here I come!

What else is new? Oh right, um, MY DAD WENT TO SCHOOL WITH JOHNNY MARR ASDJDDODJDHHDJNSJKVDFJVB!!!!!!!!!!!! Why have I only just found this out?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!! But I'd better stop because I could go on that rant for a day.
Re: the high pants. I don't exactly know. I got a couple of compliments and a couple of odd looks. I think I shall keep wearing them (for the weird looks to be honest).

So yeah. Life's going fine. It's going to be

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending"
-Maria Robinson

Puzzling.

All I can think about, all of the time. I sleep in, I make tea and I go back to bed. I get up, make some more tea and check my phone. You occupy my life. It's not healthy, but I know it's good. We are a contradiction. Who knows? People are fickle creatures.

Hang the DJ (Hang the DJ!)

I spent this morning re-living my childhood with:

Back in the day of hating my dad's music but secretly being kind of addicted to it, and singing along to lyrics I clearly didn't understand. I remember singing 'Miss you, hiss...the lovecats!!' in Primary school and the other kids would sort of move away a little bit, bahaha. Good times my friends, good times.

Unrelatedly, I really, really, REALLY want a pig. My mum told me today that she nearly bought one when she was 17. She said she rode her motorbike down to some country place where they were doing sales and her and her boyfriend bid on a pig at about $6, but didn't buy it for the sole reason that they realised that they couldn't take a pig home on their bike.
Ok mum...what? What?! I don't think I'm ready to explore the possibility that my mum at my age was exactly the sort of person I would have been friends with/been. Just...not yet.
Ahhh! I want one!!! I could have it like a dog and have a little pig kennel for it and give it a collar with diamontes. And when it's cold it could sleep on my lap and make little snoring noises! Awww! And I'll take it for walks on a lead and it can make friends with the other dogs in the neighbourhood and then maybe someone else could get a pig so that it can have a friend who is like it because I don't want my pig to be like Tarzan and not ever see anyone of its own kind until it's old. And I can call it Turnip! Or maybe Pumpkin! and I can make it a sailor costume and we'd be best friends and never ever ever ever ever ever ever part! Come on, tell me this isn't the best plan ever! Oink!

And I bought some high waisted jeans from Vinnies for $8, ch-ching! Although, I don't know if they're actually that great, I can't quite decide. I think they may make me look fat...hmmm. I'll wear them tomorrow and see if I can get an honest opinion out of anyone. If they are actually crap it doesn't matter cos they were only $8 anyway, score! Also, I can't really bend over, eat or breathe in them. But still! They're fun!

I have now procrastinated for the whole day. Wow. Unit four PE SAC number one, you are looking dismal. Ha! Blog, take that for a fat post!


"I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams."
-Madonna

"If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it. "
~Toni Morrison

I'm giving in. I don't want to fight intensity anymore. Life, just take me and use me all up. Set me free, like a bird, like a leaf in the wind. I want to jump off a cliff and roll down a hill and I want to feel everything. Let me feel, everything.

All of it.

I think that the thing I love more than anything is giving. I wish I was a little more patient and more tolerant (tolerable too maybe :P). Because then I could give more. I just want to give and give and give until I have nothing left, and then give some more. But you know why? It's because I'm selfish. Because I'm incredibly, incredibly selfish and it's what I love doing more than anything. It makes me feel good to maybe make someone else a little happier for a little while. It's almost like some perverse kick I get out of it. Isn't that strange? Perverse is such a weird word. Teehee.

So my folio. Well I'm currently doing a study of hands. Let me tell those who don't know: hands are a massive pain in the arse to draw. There are all these curves and bumps and just so much shading, and all of that comes AFTER you've finally got a hold on the actual shape of them and how they move. Sheesh!

But other than this, no real news and not a huge amount of depth. But I still see beautiful things all of the time and wonder at them. Like today, seeing people that I had just introduced interact, get along, and then go on to tell me later privately that they really liked my other friends. I just... ahhhh. Love it.

"Banish desire from the world, and you get a world of frozen beings who have no reason to live and no reason to die."
-William Braxton Irvine.

Some fairly obvious advice.

Don't lie to your parents guys. No, ok that's not necessarily what I mean. But don't lie to them about stupid stuff and don't do it too much. Because really. When they find out, it aint pretty. And I got it not bad at all. All I got was a five-minute speech on how lying is never justified. But man some of you people have crazy-fool parents and if they're gonna go ninja on your ass after, you should probs reconsider. I can laugh now though. God, I am so melodramatic! We all are a bit.

Having a nice big ol' LOL right now, so...
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha mwahahahahahahaha teeeheeeee nomnomnom I'vehad12hoursofsleep wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

OK good. I love you all, and I hope we've all taken something from this highly insightful post

So, tell me what you want, what you really really want!

I was having a pretty average day today. And so to cheer myself up I usually walk home from the station. I find that the combination of music and light exercise makes me happy :D Anywayanyway point of the story is that I was listening to All Star by Smashmouth. And I had drawn one of these little faces on my hand earlier in the day when I decided not to pay attention in class.
They actually provide me with a strangely enormous amount of entertainment.
But anyway! So I started lip synching with my hand (hand synching? Handmouth synching? Finger synching? LOL finger synching) to the words. If you have never done this, then I strongly recommend it. It's really, really good. And of course while I'm finger synching I have to actually lip synch too because I don't have the co ordination not to. So I'm up to the part which is like "all that glitters is gooold! Only shooting stars break the mouuld!" as I was crossing a road. And suddenly I hear this "WOAH!" and a whole bunch of dings in the background. And just as I look up this cyclist has completely lost control of his bike and I jump out of the way just in time (it was pretty ninja) for him to go careening into the footpath. I can tell you, our apologies to each other were pretty awkward. He was embarrassed about his lack of pro skills but also confused as to why I wasn't paying attention and I wasn't quite prepared to explain why I was sort of singing to my hand and laughing when it did funny stuff.

And that is the best thing that happened in my day. How boring am I? Sigh. I feel very pointless and directionless. But still, nearly dying from bicycle accident changes your perception of...ok shut up now. I am clearly procrasti-posting and have nothing insightful at all to say. Dammit!

OK end.

A post filled with a fat amount of soppy love.

My favourite type of person is the one who isn't afraid to show that they care. They will make contact with you a lot and not worry that they might be seeming too eager or something stupid. This type of person shows that they love you. And the truth (whether--as realists, cynics and un-romantics--we like it or not) is that everyone needs to be told that they are loved. Because even though you might know it, or take it as a given, it is affirming. Everyone needs to be shown that they are worthwhile or appreciated. Even the most confident of people need it. Even those who don't want to admit it or don't even know it. Everyone needs confirmation that their presence isn't a waste of time. And do you know what I've found? Giving love is even better than receiving it. It is the most beautiful gift you can give.

And, just quickly, to the five of you; you are my sisters. Even when you piss me off. Even when I piss you off. Especially when I vomit from laughing at you and even more when you make the most inappropriate comments in public places. I would follow you to the ends of the earth.
I don't know when/if you'll see this but;
I have a part of you. It's mine and I'm keeping it. I wont let go.

My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes and oh, my friends it gives a lovely light.

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
-Buddha

"Every harlot was a virgin once"

You make me feel like a princess every day.

I have just had so much sleep and I feel a little bit sick. My headache wont go away. The holidays are almost over and things will start to go back to normal. This is a big shame, to be honest. However, I have to keep telling myself that the fact that hard work exists and that boring stuff happens is what makes the other stuff special. If the things that happen in the holidays that I cherish so much happened all of the time, then they wouldn't be rare anymore and I wouldn't love or appreciate them as much. But I am seriously hanging out for the next holidays. In a massive way.

This is for you, if you ever come back here to read it: I hate everyone, and we need more practice.

"I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seemed to accomplish far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it just happened to me without my ever seeking it."
-Audrey Hepburn

If we spend all our lives wanting to be wanted, maybe we forget what we really want.

Whispered conversations in the dark.

Several unrelated things I want to share.
1. NOM.

2. Have you ever told someone something that you've never told anyone else? I did recently. And I can tell you now that it was extremely liberating and frightening. Liberating because secrets like that can weigh on your soul and frightening because saying it out loud means that it is real. Sorry to be angsty and vague here, the point was that I feel kind of lighter now that I've told someone, but kind of scared that they'll tell. But the lightness is worth the risk I think. I want to say 'you should try it!' but I don't know if you should. It's scary. But I decided that I'm not afraid of scary. Does that make sense? Not at all, but I'm still glad I wrote it.

3. I was thinking about why I love the people that I love and I think I've got one of the reasons: Because they are flawed. Like me, like everyone. And my flaws and their flaws complement each other well. Take a fave for example. His strengths match my flaws. I'm strong where he's weak and visa versa. But lots of our major strengths and weaknesses are the same. I love the way that people need each other.
4. They say that friends are the family you choose. And this got me thinking about what it would be like if we could choose our actual biological family. It made me realise that I wouldn't have chosen mine. I'm so, so glad that this is decided for us because I would have been missing out on so much! My family are not really what you would expect I think. They seem fairly boring and bland, until you know them. The depth and the strength of the people I am related to astounds me every day. I respect them the most. I think that knowing I'm related to them makes me confident. Because there must be some part of me that is like some part of them. So I must respect some part of myself in the same way I respect them. I love you, all.

5. My art folio. I've done a few pictures lately. Man, I love drawing, it's so therapeutic! I'm still feeling the after-zen of drawing because I just finished. I'm going to post some pictures of what I've drawn, but I'm not sure why. Oh, that's right I wanted the blog and the folio to complement each other. But it's a little worrying because I don't want people to think I'm good. I'm obviously going to only post the pictures that I like. But also I don't want people to think I'm crap. Because I'm not great but I love drawing so much now that being totally terrible at it would make me sad. So just...don't judge? OK what a stupid thing to say. Try judging through a human lense. Also, I would appreciate any comments or ideas but I don't really expect them. And sozza about the dodgy quality. Okie doke, here goes:This is the one I mentioned in an earlier post. It's just charcoal and conte. I like the way that the human body can portray emotion. This one is kind of reclusive. I'm getting better with charcoal, maybe it's my medium. I don't know. Hopefully I will, though.

And this one is just pencil. It actually looks worse than it is in this photo, but that doesn't really matter. I don't know how to put this without sounding weird...Nude is good. BAHA yeah because that sounded normal. I mean that I think the body is a very beautiful thing and nude art is really...pure? I'm not sure, but I think that bodies are very beautiful. I sound creepy now, but I mean it in a strictly non-creepy way. I'm going to stop now. Good.

6. Went shopping and bought ten albums. I love my dad. We got The Resistance, finally. And Humbug! And I really like Jack Johnson, he makes me zen. So do Angus and Julia Stone.

All rightey babes, I should go get a life now :)

"Love is our resistance."